Hypochondria for dogs

Bailey's breath has been horrible lately.  I tried to tell her, but she didn't quite get the hint.  I gave her Greenies (doggie bone breath mints) but they didn't work.  She still reeked of dead tuna.  I was embarrased for her; not even the cat wanted to be around her.  I am sure this has hurt her playtime opportunities at doggie daycare.

Tonight I noticed a lump on her gums above one of her teeth.  Before I looked up the number to the vet (since I can't call Dr. Joe anymore...not that he knew anything...), I did what any responsible parent would do, I looked it up on google.  According to my uber-scientific research, Bailey has an "epulis".  I'm not really sure what that is, but a ferret somewhere had one that looks just like hers (google images search).  Based on my in-depth veterinary training provided by petmd.com (which is probably the equivalent of Dr. Joe's DVM degree from the Caribbean - you know the schools you go to when you can't get into a real school), after diagnosing Bailey I determined the best course of treatment would be surgery. 

Before you come running to stop me, no I am not going to perform the surgery myself by watching it on youtube.  Plus it's pretty gross (not that I've checked or anything) and I can't handle gross.  I figured I better leave this one to the people that have real degrees from vet schools in the good ol' US of A.  I went to call the vet......and they had just closed five minutes ago.  All of that time doing my self diagnosis routine and I missed the vet.  So I'll call tomorrow; hopefully I can get her in this week. 

So although I don't necessarily condone praying for pink eye (read my previous post on the perils of pink eye), I will pray that my little Bails is ok. 

Confidential psychological report

Name:  Phoebe S.
Age: 4 years old?
Date of birth:  unknown
Female

Phoebe is normal in physical appearance (height and weight) with white hair and blue eyes.

Social history:  found alone in a shed after her mom and siblings were incarcerated.  She escaped and lived alone for a short period.  She was rescued by her current home.  Bailey is her older sister.  Bailey and Phoebe have a love/hate relationship...Phoebe loves to torment Bailey and Bailey hates it. 

She has previously been treated for "crazy" with antidepressants.  She refused to take her medicine regularly.  She also showed some side effects such as bloating.

Phoebe suffers from hallucinations which make her race about the house at high rates of speed.  She also exhibits signs of night terrors by sitting in her bedroom and shrieking "MERRRROOOOWWW" repeatedly in the middle of the night.  In addition, when she is highly anxious she will resort to self-mutilation, mostly in the form of cutting and biting.  Her tail shows signs of deep cuts with her own nails as well as bite marks.  Her wounds are not healing because she keeps picking at them.  There have also been some signs of bipolar disorder, with extreme highs of crazy attacking followed by long periods of self imposed isolation in the bed's box springs.  She can become physically aggressive when provoked by my just occupying space in the same room. 

Vet visit:  $96.00
Diagnosis:  Still f*&$ing crazy. 
Treatment:  Warm compresses on her tail until my hand is amputated by her talons.  If no improvement, she will be given an e-collar to wear...which should be hilarious.

The end of the world

Glad to be in the South, y'all.