Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Pinterest Dreams

I, like almost every other adult woman in the universe, am addicted to Pinterest.  I scroll through multiple times a day.  I pin and pin and pin the day away.  I have even won money with some contests using Pinterest.  I love it and the inspiration I get from it.

But then there is a side of idiocy on Pinterest.  I am amazed by the number of people armed with a glue gun who think their work should be in the Louvre.  And then there are the masses that comment and repin their crap (oops, I mean "crafts").  One of my favorites continues to be buttons hot glued to anything.  Picture frames, mirrors, lampshades, candle sticks, hair pins....and the list goes on.  "Oooooo!  I wish I had thought of this!  It looks just like sea shells!"  No it doesn't.  It looks like buttons glued to a frame.  And most any person can glue stuff to stuff to make more stuff.  If this is beyond your abilities, please do us all a favor and put the glue gun down.  Now back away slowly....

Some other ideas that have left me shaking my head are homemade band-aids (these were really just fabric glued to regular band-aids...why???).  Anything baked with a Reese Cup in the middle is another popular choice.  Can we say diabetic coma? Last night I went to bed after spending (or wasting) some time on Pinterest and instead of being excited to try new projects, I was saddened by the amount of hot glue, glitter, and buttons.  It was with these unsettling thoughts that I drifted off to sleep.  And proceeded to dream vivid dreams about Pinterest.

In my dreams, I read a fellow pinners idea to add fish (yes, real fish) to your washing machine.  The purpose was not a creative aquarium.  Instead the fish would eat the dirt from sheets.  But just sheets.  Why this was a better idea than using hot water and detergent wasn't clear.  This was a dream after all.  Instead of being appalled at the idea of adding live fish to my spin cycle, I was all about it.  I went out and bought a bunch of ugly fish to add to my washing machine.  These weren't pretty fish like my very own Splash Gordon, these were long and skinny silvery fish.  I started to add them to the machine but they kept flopping out because I forgot to add water.  As they were flopping in the kitchen floor, Phoebe the cat was in kitty heaven.  I scooped them all up and filled the tub with water.  I then added a set of sheets and started the machine.

Can you guess what happened?  The gyration of the machine chopped the little fishies into bits, similar to anchovies in a blender.  I was left with fish heads on my sheets.  Pinterest had turned me into a fish serial killer!!!

And this is why you should pin responsibly.  Although I'm sure that if I pinned this as a real story (like the carp who ate dead skin off your toes as part of a pedicure), some fool out there would stop gluing buttons in order to add fish to their laundry (yes, that is the faith I have in humanity....).

Friday, July 13, 2012

Just add it to my file...

I know I have bright red files at just about any place that I have to contact for customer service issues.  I can only imagine what their notes about me say.  And I know these places keep I heard about a family trying to get their cable installed by Comcast.  After going around and around with Comcast over the lack of installation ("we'll be there in a couple of hours" had been their catchphrase for a few weeks), they called again.  This time they reached Comcast's customer service office located in a foreign country where the agent's grasp of the English language was tenuous at best.  The helpful agent read the notes that popped up on the screen: "do not install....S.O.B."  I am not sure what exactly the customer's reaction was, but I can assure you mine would have been calling news outlets and using social media to my advantage.

Anyway, on to my story.  I went to PetSmart today to get Miss Bailey's nails on steroids trimmed yet again.  Her nails grow even better than the weeds currently taking over my backyard.  When I walked it everyone ignored me for a moment (including the girl arranging pencils).  Finally someone asked me what I needed and I told her I wanted a nail trim/grinding done.

Groomer:  "I'm sorry, we can't do that."

Me:  "Um, what?"

Groomer:  "We can't do that."  She gave me no explanation.  I guess I was just supposed to leave at that point and not ask anymore questions.  But I don't operate that way.

Me:  "Why not?"

Groomer:  "That person called in sick."

Me:  "Ummmmm, ok...."

Groomer:  "See, she hurt her knee and can't work on a bad knee."

Me:  "I didn't ask why she was out.  But why can't anyone else do it?  You are all groomers, right?"  At this point the girl arranging pencils was suddenly completely absorbed by the task.

Another groomer in the back:  "They won't let us.  We aren't allowed."

Me:  "Allowed to do what?  Your job?"

Same girl in the back:  "It's not profitable and they won't let us do it."

I glare at pencil girl.  It slowly dawns on her that I'm not leaving.  Seems to me that paying someone to arrange pencils would be less profitable than charging a customer for a service provided.

Pencil Girl:  "You can go to the vet at Banfield.  If they aren't busy they can do it."

Me:  "Really?  They are allowed to multitask?"

Banfield was nice enough to work me in quickly.  They did a decent job on her nails and charged me more than the grooming center would have.

I came home and immediately sent an email to PetSmart's corporate office.  I used every bit of my 2000 character limit.  I haven't heard back yet.  But I am sure that someone is writing my name on a red file right now....