Saturday, February 5, 2011

Confidential psychological report

Name:  Phoebe S.
Age: 4 years old?
Date of birth:  unknown

Phoebe is normal in physical appearance (height and weight) with white hair and blue eyes.

Social history:  found alone in a shed after her mom and siblings were incarcerated.  She escaped and lived alone for a short period.  She was rescued by her current home.  Bailey is her older sister.  Bailey and Phoebe have a love/hate relationship...Phoebe loves to torment Bailey and Bailey hates it. 

She has previously been treated for "crazy" with antidepressants.  She refused to take her medicine regularly.  She also showed some side effects such as bloating.

Phoebe suffers from hallucinations which make her race about the house at high rates of speed.  She also exhibits signs of night terrors by sitting in her bedroom and shrieking "MERRRROOOOWWW" repeatedly in the middle of the night.  In addition, when she is highly anxious she will resort to self-mutilation, mostly in the form of cutting and biting.  Her tail shows signs of deep cuts with her own nails as well as bite marks.  Her wounds are not healing because she keeps picking at them.  There have also been some signs of bipolar disorder, with extreme highs of crazy attacking followed by long periods of self imposed isolation in the bed's box springs.  She can become physically aggressive when provoked by my just occupying space in the same room. 

Vet visit:  $96.00
Diagnosis:  Still f*&$ing crazy. 
Treatment:  Warm compresses on her tail until my hand is amputated by her talons.  If no improvement, she will be given an e-collar to wear...which should be hilarious.

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