Saturday, August 27, 2011

Sweaty gorillas

I have weird issues with sweat; I don't like to sweat and I don't like anyone else's sweat either.  When at the gym, I wipe everything down before AND after I use it.  I bought my own yoga mats so I wouldn't have to use theirs (this was after I saw some soppy girl drip all over one...gross).  I refuse to touch anything in the locker room after I saw a sweat laden naked chick sitting on the bench in front of the lockers.  I think I need a bubble suit just to be able to go to the gym.  And I am not a germaphobe - I work in a middle school for heaven's sake - that is a veritable petri dish of germs!

Today I was shakin' it in Zumba (in the wrong direction of course...but I was still somewhat participating) when the man in front of me began to sweat profusely.  And he was a gorilla of a man...big hulking arms that he couldn't lift above his shoulders, a slight bend to his upper back, and quite hairy.  At one point we were dancing backwards and he was essentially running while waving his sweaty gorilla arms.  I quit dancing and just started a game of dodge the big, hairy wetness.  Unfortunately in his simian excitement he flung sweat all over the floor.  As I slipped my way through the next couple of songs I was praying that I wouldn't fall in his puddle of body water.

I think I need counseling now.

Monday, August 22, 2011

New again

As part of my new column for Bella, I had to come up with a title.  I managed to come up with many, many titles.  I really liked my runner up so I decided to revamp my blog to reflect it.  I can't share the title of my Bella column at this time (you can find out in October) but here is a glimpse into what my list may have looked like.  I enjoyed the chickens, and I may even miss them.  But as I said earlier, this is a work in progress and once I become famous (ha!) I will pay someone to design my blog for me. 

Thank you to everyone who continues to read my nonsense!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Well, at least you are a healthy fat....

I went to see my doctor today in order to convince my mom that my shortness of breath and chest pains were anxiety and not heart disease (and I wonder where I get my worrying anxiety-ridden tendencies from).

The nurse weighed me and proceeded to ask me if I needed information about weight loss.  WHAT?!?  I follow Weight Watchers plus spend over an hour a day, six days a week at the gym.  No, I don't need any info on weight loss.  Thanks for asking.

The doctor also asked me about exercise (and used the fact that I could do an hour long Zumba class without dying as his evidence for me NOT having heart disease right now).  He inquired about my diet and when I complained about my lack of weight loss he informed me that although I was fat, I was a healthy fat.  He then reassured me that if I was ever in a famine that I would have no trouble surviving for a while.

So my diagnosis was anxiety and I now have a prescription for help-me-sleep-anti-anxiety-meds to try for three weeks.  Oh, and the knowledge that not only am I fat, but that I would do well in Africa.  Thanks. 

Monday, August 8, 2011

A hairy tale

I decided on a whim this summer to cut my hair short.  I had it long but it just looked like the end of a broom.  See, my hair is thick, coarse, curly in the back and sort of a frizzy straight on the sides.  Attractive, I know.  When it was long I wore it up every single day to hide the multiple personalities it seemed to have.  Plus, it took forever to dry so most of the time I'd pull it back to hide the fact it was sopping wet. 

Every time I go to a stylist and have all my pictures of movie star hair that I would love to have, I hear the same things...your hair is too straight, too curly, too thick, too (insert whatever adjective I haven't used yet here).  

So I tried short.  And as I have watched it grow out over the past month, I have had a realization.  The best cut for me would be a MULLET!!!!  That way I could have the long curls in the back and keep my sides short.  Plus, as an added bonus, the sides of hair love to feather out....which would look fantastic against a long mullet back. I would be the envy of all rednecks out there and could possibly have the best mullet in the world!

Update:  My stylist said I was too stupid to think that a mullet was a good option....

Monday, August 1, 2011

Things I will never do (ever)

I have been coming across all of these lists about what you should accomplish before you turn 30, 40, and so forth.  Since I don't like to achieve too much I've set my goals pretty low with a list of things I will never do.  I figure this list will be pretty easy to accomplish.

1.  Camping.  I am not talking about people who vacation in a tripped out RV and call it "camping".  I am talking about sleeping in a tiny tent camping.  There is a reason humans developed houses with indoor plumbing and heating/air conditioning - so we could use it!  I am not about to spend a night amongst bugs, reptiles, or wild animals when there are hotels built for spending nights away from home.  Someone I know went tent camping at the beach.  This is a great idea if your idea of fun is sleeping in sticky, humid weather in a bed of sand.  Why would anyone volunteer to do that when there is a Marriott down the street?  With showers?  And toilets?  I just don't understand...

2.  Skydiving.  I have been on a lot of dates here lately and it seems like all men my age are going through some sort of mid-life crisis and all of them are looking for women who are adventurous.  What is considered adventurous you ask?  They all answer with skydiving.  Hurtling towards the Earth with nothing but a piece of fabric between you and death?  I don't think so.  These men may consider me boring; I call it self-preservation.  I don't mind if anyone else wants to go skydiving - have fun - and I will wait for you from the safety of the ground.

3.  Eat a bug.  I realize that bugs are considered food in other countries, but I do not plan on ever eating a bug (on purpose, anyway).  You can dip an ant in chocolate but it still ain't candy....

I think three things is a good beginning.  I'm going to go ahead and start working on doing these right now.  Hopefully I'll succeed!