Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Drivin' to the Drive Thru

                I was driving down the road the other day, minding my own business (which means talking on the phone…come on, we all do it…don’t judge), when a car came up behind me.  I am always right.  That also means that everything I do is right, which means I was travelling at the correct speed.  Well, the correct speed in my mind anyway.  I always do the correct speed, if you are going faster than me, you are going too fast.  If you are moving slower than I am, you are going too slow and need to speed up.  By the way, I was currently at a cruising speed of about 40 miles per hour (in a 25 mile per hour zone…and on the phone…safety first!!).
                The driver of the car behind me evidently thought that the two lane road through a local industrial park was the Autobahn and he tried to pass me on the double yellow line.  Remember, I was already going well over the speed limit but this NASCAR wannabe thought that was too slow and therefore had to break many laws to pass me.  As he was trying to come around me, I noticed that there was now oncoming traffic.  So here I am, speeding, with someone trying to illegally pass me while playing chicken with the other cars.  Since I am not all about killing everyone in a 1 mile radius, I ran off the road to give the fool room to pass.
                And where was this man going in such a hurry?  The hospital?  To the scene of an accident?  Nope.  McDonald’s.  He was risking his life in order to get his Big Mac fix for the day.  Was he late to meet someone?  Like someone from the Mafia who would kill him for being late?  Nope.  He went through the drive thru.  How do I know this you ask?  ‘Cause I followed him.  I wanted to see what was so all fired important that he had to run me off the road.  Oh, and I may have contemplated yelling at him if given the chance.  I smartened up and continued on (and I was now late to class since I followed him to McDONALD’S!!!).
                Speaking of McDonald’s, I have some drive thru rules for all of the drive thru idiots out there…
1.        If you don’t know what you want, go inside so you can linger over the menu which will keep me from blowing my horn at you.
2.       If you have more than 4 orders, go inside so you can order your entire office’s lunch (separately) which will keep me from blowing my horn at you.
3.       If your window doesn’t work and you have to open your car door repeatedly to order and then to pay and then to get your food, go inside so you only have to open your door once to get out of the car which will keep me from blowing my horn at you.
4.       If you want to check your bag to make sure your order is correct (not a bad idea considering the combined IQ of the people working the drive thru) pull up enough to allow me to reach the window which will keep me from blowing my horn at you.
5.       If you’re afraid of being carjacked by terrorists and therefore must leave a car length between you and the car in front of you for your getaway, stop going through the drive thru (can you finish the rest?  I bet you can…say it with me now…) which will keep me from blowing my horn at you.

Do I have anger issues?  Possibly.  Do I go through the drive-thru too much?  Definitely.  Now get out of my way so I can chat and drive at least 15 miles over the speed limit on my way to McDonald’s….

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